


Nothing Revealed/Everything Denied

by cherryicicles



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Buck needs a hug, Found Family, Idiots in Love, M/M, buck talking about his feelings, the buckley's parents suck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 03:20:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29164110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherryicicles/pseuds/cherryicicles
Summary: “Buck, slow it down,” Eddie said from beside him. He had almost forgotten the man standing next to him, his rage too strong. “Hey, Buck, relax, you might hurt yourself.”Buck stopped cold, sweating and breathing heavy. “Don’t call me that.”Eddie blinked back at him, his eyebrows scrunching together in confusion. “What?”orBuck finds out a secret and Eddie keeps one hidden.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Firehouse 118 Crew, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 461





	Nothing Revealed/Everything Denied

**Author's Note:**

> who else is absolutely BUZZING from last night??? i expected crumbs but we got a whole damn meal. this is based on the one scene from the 4x04 promo bc i am completely CONVINCED that eddie will call buck evan in that scene i can feel it in my clown shoes. title is a the 1975 song lmao

Buck’s fist connected with the bag in front of him. Each hit was matched with a thud and the sound of the chain clanging together at the top. Subconsciously, each punch aligned with the sound of Buck’s heart beat. He quickened his pace in an effort to stop hearing the pounding of his heart in his ears, but the quicker the punches, the louder the beats. His fists were flying at a breakneck speed, and if he kept it up, he would surely hurt himself.  


“Buck, slow it down,” Eddie said from beside him. He had almost forgotten the man standing next to him, his rage too strong. “Hey, Buck, relax, you might hurt yourself.”  


Buck stopped cold, sweating and breathing heavy. “Don’t call me that.”  


Eddie blinked back at him, his eyebrows scrunching together in confusion. “What?”  


“I said don’t call me that,” Buck snapped back, tearing his eyes from Eddie back to the punching bag, starting up at a more leisurely pace.  


“Yeah, I heard you the first time,” Eddie said, ducking his head in an attempt to catch Buck’s eye again, concerned. “What do you mean? Are you alright, you seem a bit on edge today. If I did something—“  


“It’s not you,” Buck responded, annoyed. “And I’m fine.”  


Eddie bit the inside of his cheek, his mouth twisting from side to side, trying to make sense of the man in front of him. He was deciding whether or not to push further.  


Eddie sighed. “You’re obviously not fine. Did the punching bag do something wrong, or is it something else?”  


Buck let out a humorless laugh, his eyes squinting in concentration as he hit the bag again. “I’m just trying to work out, man. You can leave if you want to.” Buck paused before adding, “I don’t need you.”  


He regretted it as soon as he said it, but he was hurt, and he felt more alone than he had in the last few weeks. Before, he always had Maddie by his side. Now, he wasn’t so sure. His whole life was turned upside down in the matter of minutes. A part of him knew that it wasn’t the end of the world; Maddie still loved him, would love him no matter what, he knew that. But a bigger part of him, the angry part that made him storm out of the apartment despite the pleading calls from Maddie, told him differently. His parents had said nothing, but that just fueled the fire inside him even more.  


Eddie hadn’t said anything for a while, obviously hurt. He grabbed the bag, attempting to stop Buck’s punches. “Buck, talk to me, please. Buck, stop for a second and look at me. Buck!”  


Buck paid him no mind, continuing as if he hadn’t heard him, even though the desperation in Eddie’s voice was breaking his heart.  


“Buck!” Eddie tried again, trying to pull the bag away from Buck, to no avail. “ _Evan!_ ”  


Buck froze. He dropped his arms to his sides, but made no move to look at Eddie. He couldn’t. Buck started to shake then, the anger leaving his body as a freight train of emotion hit him all at once. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to keep it together. Once he felt the soft weight of a warm hand on his shoulder, he lost it. Silent sobs overtook him, his hands coming up to cover his face. He felt Eddie move toward him, trying to pull him into a hug to comfort him, but Buck placed a shaking hand on his best friend's chest, finally opening his eyes to look at him.  


Eddie’s eyes were glossy, almost brimming with tears as he bit his lip in an effort to compose himself for Buck’s sake. Buck lightly pushed against Eddie’s chest, and the other man hesitantly removed his hand from Buck’s shoulder as he stumbled back a step.  


Eddie’s expression hardened a little as he asked in a firm voice, “What is it.”  


Buck swallowed thickly, staring blankly at the floor in front of him. “I...“ he started, turning to look at the ceiling, blinking back the tears. “God this is so stupid. I...I’m...I’m adopted.”  


Buck’s voice cracked, and Eddie had to restrain himself from reaching out and trying to touch Buck again. He hated seeing him like this; broken, small, fragile. It wasn’t the Buck he was used to seeing, and it made him wonder if he even knew Buck at all. He didn’t know what to say.  


“Wow,” Eddie said, softly. It was all he could say. He was afraid to speak, not knowing what to do, or if he might say the wrong thing and Buck might clam up or brush it off. “When did you find out?”  


“Last night,” Buck said weakly, still not meeting Eddie’s gaze. He paused, unsure if he wanted to continue. “My parents are in town, and I thought it was just so they could see Maddie and how the baby was doing, you know? But, I don’t know, it was weird. Maddie and I haven’t seen them in years. They never even so much as called when the situation with Doug happened, or I had my accident. I didn’t expect them to, though, because they’re just not that kind of parents. Which is fine.”  


Buck never talked about his parents, but Eddie could tell that it wasn’t fine. Knowing how Buck was, with him, with the 118, with Maddie, with Chris; he knew it hurt him. Buck was so inherently loving and open, treating Eddie’s son as his own almost immediately. Buck gave so much love into the world, and he could tell how hard it was for him that for once he wasn’t getting it back.  


“I didn’t really think anything of it when they showed up,” Buck started again. “I thought it was a nice surprise. I was excited. I thought, maybe now that Maddie’s starting her own family, they might realize that they want to be a part of it, that they might’ve changed. And I was happy. I thought maybe it could be like I always wished it was. But I was wrong, and it’s never going to be like that because…”  


Buck trailed off, and Eddie could see that he was fighting back tears. He wanted to tell him to stop, tell him that he didn’t have to tell him this, but Eddie knew that he needed to.  


Buck pinched the bridge of his nose, willing himself to continue. “Because we were never really a family. Not like I thought we were. I was never a part of it, would never be a part of it. And I was so angry. With myself for believing it my whole life, with Maddie for lying to me. But I wasn’t angry with them, which just made me more angry at myself. They had had me believing that even if they didn’t show it, they loved me because I was theirs. That they loved me because _I was a Buckley_.”  


He stopped, taking in a breath. Eddie had to let him finish and Buck knew he needed to.  


“But I’m not,” Buck choked out, his voice breaking. “And they don’t. Because I’m not a Buckley. And now...now I don’t even have Maddie.”  


“No, no, don’t say that,” Eddie spoke finally, shaking his head, pointing a finger at Buck. “That isn’t true and it never will be true. You will always have Maddie and she will always be your sister, and a stupid birth certificate can never change that. You know better than anyone that family doesn’t end with blood. Bobby, Hen, Chimney; they’re all evidence of that. You’ve made a family here, and you’ve made a family with Christopher, and with me. Nothing can change that. Nothing. Bobby and Athena are practically your parents, and Chim, Hen and Maddie are your family no matter what. You’ve always treated Christopher like your own son. Just because you aren’t related, does that mean he doesn’t love you? He couldn’t love you less even if he tried. And I’m sure everyone else feels the exact same, because you’re _loved_ , Buck.”  


Buck looked up then, blinking. He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it soon after, taking in Eddie’s words. He had felt so unnecessarily guilty for the last 12 hours, but he knew he had a right to be angry. His parents had lied to him for his whole life, made him believe in something so fully, so completely, that it was what made Buck into the person he was today. His parents were one thing, but before, he couldn’t shake the feeling of betrayal that Maddie had known this secret for so long and never told him. Maddie knew, but she loved him anyways. She always treated him as family, as her brother. She loved him so much, and Buck had always known that, but now it felt different, stronger. Maddie never cared that they weren’t blood. It didn’t matter. Buck was her brother and nothing could change that. Eddie was right, too. The family he had made here was proof of that, proof that he meant something to people, and they meant the same to him.  


Buck smiled, returning Eddie’s warm gaze. “Thanks, Eddie. I needed that. And you’re right. I still gotta get used to it, though.”  


“Oh, definitely,” Eddie said. “That’s a lot to process. But I’m glad you’re feeling better about it.” Eddie clasped a hand onto Buck’s arm, grateful that Buck was back to his relaxed self. “I’m gonna go shower before Bobby finishes up lunch, save me a seat, okay?” He paused before saying, "You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"  


Buck nodded, and Eddie smiled back, turning to go when he felt Buck’s hand on his elbow.  


“What about you?” Buck asked as Eddie turned to face him again.  


“What about me?”  


“What are you to me?”  


Against his will, Eddie’s cheeks started to redden, but he laughed it off. “What do you mean?”  


Buck shrugged. “Well...you said Bobby and Athena are like my mom and dad...and Hen and Chim...Chris…” Eddie's breath hitched. Buck continued, “So what are you to me?”  


Buck took a step closer, causing Eddie to instinctively take a step back. His heart was racing, unsure of what to say to Buck for the second time that day. He inhaled sharply, praying that his face looked calmer than he felt.  


“Come on, Buck,” he said, surprising himself with the evenness of his tone. “You know you’re my best friend.”  


Eddie wanted to punch himself in the face. Buck knew that. But did he know what Eddie really wanted to say, what Eddie wouldn’t let himself admit out loud? It wasn’t a lie, technically. Buck was his best friend. He was a father to his son, and the only person he could tell anything to. But not this. Not now. He wasn’t ready.  


Buck smiled, but Eddie couldn’t ignore the sadness in his eyes. “Yeah, me too.”  


They stood in front of each other for a moment, silent. Buck then turned and raised his hands, starting to hit the punching bag again, this time with his normal, measured control. Eddie turned again and walked off towards the showers as Buck tried his best not to look after him, the unspoken _I love you_ clawing at the back of their throats.

**Author's Note:**

> hope u liked it!!! 911 stans follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/waystarshivco) so we can scream about buddie


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